I’ve been party to two conversations lately in which men were doing their best to step up to the plate and take ownership of household chores – things like doing the laundry and folding the clothes, like washing the dishes and loading the dishwasher, or making the bed. Instead of being acknowledged for what they are trying to do, they find themselves being criticized for not doing it the way the partner would have done it.
John Gray told us a long time ago that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.”
Back story: For the first 6 weeks after conception, the developmental process of a baby is identical. It is only after the 6th week that the presence of the Y chromosome kicks in a diverts the assembly line product from female to male. Both males and females have varying ratios of testosterone and estrogen, which affects physical development and brain development.
Male brains and female brains work differently. Men are natural-born problem-solvers. Men are “fixers.” Men are rational while women are emotional. I say this without judgment, just descriptively.
So, when a man looks around the house and sees something that needs to be done, like laundry or the dishes, he sees that as a problem to be solved and he takes pleasure in solving it. However, there isn’t much that will rob a man of his pride more than being told he did it wrong!
It leaves the question: is it more important that the work gets done, or that it gets done a certain way? Men’s brains and women’s brains are wired differently; we don’t notice the same things; our thought processes are different.
There’s nothing a man wants to do more than to make his wife happy. There’s nothing that kills that incentive quicker than being criticized for his efforts.
Here’s the thing: We men have to realize that our wives have different standards for how things get done. Women, you too have to realize that men have different standards for how things get done. It isn’t that one is right and the other is wrong – they’re just – different.
So, my invitation is for a different conversation and a different awareness.
We men would be well served to consciously think about how our spouses would do things, instead of assuming our way is going to be pleasing. You women would be well served to acknowledge the intent and effort instead of criticizing the methodology.
It is interesting to me how, in our relationships, we start out as friends, and then we get married and start acting like husbands and wives and forget to be friends. Think about it: we are much more forgiving of our friends, much more tolerant of their quirky habits. We are much more considerate, more appreciative, and less demanding.
So, men, be aware that sometimes it isn’t just what we do, but how we do it that matters most; and women, make a point of appreciating the effort instead of being so quick to find fault with the intent.
The extent to which you accept my invitation is the extent to which you’ll be able to say, “I feel good about being me!” … and that’s a promise! Oh, and for what it’s worth, the sex will be better too!
