Yes, you read that correctly: REAL MEN DON’T HELP WITH HOUSEHOLD CHORES!
I was born with skin color and genitalia that gave me privilege in life. I’m a white guy! I was born into a culture that values men over women. In 2019, the pay differential for men and women in the work place in the United States was $.79 for every dollar a man makes regardless of job type or seniority.) I didn’t realize it at the time and have spent most of my life not appreciating the privileged life I have led, simply because of my genitalia. I will say that growing up in the South, I was very aware of the privilege I enjoyed by being white.
So, what’s any of this have to do with helping around the house? It doesn’t have to do with the tasks of washing dishes, doing the laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the shower and toilet, taking care of the kids, or any of the rest of the list of chores that are involved in keeping a household functioning at some level of cleanliness and order. It has to do with the notion of the man “helping.”
I grew up in a very traditional home, with my dad going to work every day and my mother handling most all of the household tasks. He took care of everything on the outside and she took care of everything on the inside. But my dad understood that he and my mother were partners; just because their responsibilities were different didn’t make his more important. He refused to refer to my mother as a “house wife,” proclaiming proudly that she was a “home maker.” That was his way of acknowledging that both of of them worked. He just happened to be the one who brought home money.
I knew of a stay-at-home mom who, when their children were old enough to go to school, asked her husband how he felt about HER going back to school, and was told that he was fine with that as long as she still took care of everything at home. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t help a little, but he was clear that taking care of the house was still her job, her responsibility.
I also knew of a dual-income couple who, when they got married agreed that neither of them liked taking care of the house – so on Saturday, they would both pitch in and get things done as quickly as they could so they could enjoy the rest of the weekend doing more pleasurable activities.
My issue is with the implication behind the word “help.” It implies that household chores are de facto “women’s work” and the more enlightened guys are willing, on occasion, to help.
My invitation is primarily for men, but also women who are imprisoned by the cultural expectation, to understand that the job of keeping a household running is a joint one. It is a set of responsibilities that don’t belong to one gender any more than they belong to another. So men, get off the throne (word chosen intentionally!), look around and see what needs to be done, and do it.
If you can’t see it, don’t hesitate to ask your partner, not so you can help but so the work load gets shared. Real men step up to the plate and do what needs to be done, without even thinking about whose job it is. Real men don’t help; they DO!
The extent to which you accept my invitation is the extent to which you’ll be able to say, “I feel good about being me!” … and that’s a promise!
